good luck, casey! (i think that was your name)

well, it has been a WHILE. ryan's been home from tour for more than half a year now. it's weird. he always claims he's never going back on the road. i don't believe it, but so far, he hasn't.
this morning he DID leave for a week in l.a., though. he's beginning the recording of a record that i'm actually pretty excited about. he's done a few of these short trips since the touring ended and they're never quite as bad as the actual touring thing, obviously.
but honestly... i'd be lying if i said there was not a part of me that looked forward to him leaving sometimes.

this brings me to the ACTUAL point of this entry. because it honestly has very little to do with ryan or with my own status as a tour widow (or former tour widow). it has to do with this guy i met on friday night. i'm bad with names, but i want to say his was casey. he was touring with someone who was playing with tim barry, and he was a really nice guy.
he started to tell steve and i about this girl... the girl back home. the girl who told him it was over... that the "ship had sailed", because she couldn't stand the touring. he was adamant that she was the girl and that he was going to get her back. and i loved it. and it made me sad, too.
it does take a specific kind of girl to live the life of a tour widow, i think. and some girls are just not up for it.
the first leg of the first tour ryan went on when we first lived together... i did not think i was going to be one of those girls who could handle it. i hated being alone. i cried and cried. i missed him terribly. i hated being forced to do stuff on my own.
and then something amazing happened. it started with my friend, traci, telling me to stop fucking bitching. i believe she said something along the lines of "he's not dead. he didn't go off to war. he's in a million dollar bus 900 miles away. you're going to see him again. so god... shut the hell up." i'm paraphrasing, of course, but that was the gist of it. and do you know what happened when she told me that? i was FURIOUS, that's what. i was even MORE hurt by her downplaying the pain i felt at being left alone. because it really is hard. but slowly, over the nine months that he spent mostly gone... i realized something awful. she was completely right.
it took me a while, but i started to focus on the fact that ran and i DID have this incredible relationship and this incredible connection. and having that meant that there was nothing to worry about. yes, it was hard. but i wasn't going to fucking die. i was stronger than that. and more importantly, WE were stronger than that. somehow, that realization made ME stronger, too. i was alone, but i was ok. and in a couple months, i'd not be alone anymore. and even if i was only not alone for a week, it would be a great week. because we'd be together. and then he'd leave again. and i'd cry, driving home from the airport. but slowly, the tears stopped coming on that drive home. (a drive that, incidentally, i still go out of my way to make EVERY time ryan leaves. something about that is very important to me and even when i've had to leave work or get up at 6am on a weekend or whatever, i have ALWAYS been the one to take him to the airport when he leaves for work. and i always will.) i remember the firs time i dropped him off at the airport and i DIDN'T cry. i was so amazed that i called my best friend and told her. we were both very proud of me.
anyhow, i'm getting off track here.
my point, i this whole thing was this...
starting this blog, even though most of us barely used it, helped me somehow to accept my identity as a tour widow. knowing that i was never ACTUALLY alone - it helped. and even though kristen and michelle and laura and whitney and all the other widows weren't actually here in my house with me, they were out there in the world, feeling the way that i felt - incredibly in love, and occasionally lonesome. and it helped. reading the stories they shared helped. getting a tiny glimpse at the the love they all share helped. and i continue to hope that, even if we don't all post that often, that this will continue to be helpful in some ways to other women (or men) out there who need it.
i hope that that young man i met in the beachland ballroom parking lot... i hope his ship has NOT sailed. and that the girl he spoke about with such determination and adoration - i hope she does take him back. i hope she can find that she, too, has what it takes to be a tour widow. and that he's worth it.

good luck, casey. (god, i really hope that was your name - otherwise, i am looking like SUCH the dickhead right now.)

xxo, phoebe marie

a REAL url

hi loves!
so, even though i have not been posting much (since mine's been home all winter), i still think about this blog a lot and how much i love it. so i decided yesterday to buy it a gift. it now has it's own REAL url:

www.thetourwidows.com

in case you all want to give anyone an easier address to get to.

that's all i got right now.
xxo, phoebe marie

warm toes for the winter months!!

It's been far too long since I've made a contribution! My boy has been home for sometime now but we've been crazy busy preparing for the holidays, etc.

I (somehow) survived Colin being gone for almost all of October. I read the posts about the boys being away for months and it helps get through the weeks knowing it could get much worse. After the October tour he was home for a brief week working a local music festival every night then off again to the UK for a week and a half.

Overseas trips are THE worst! It's so hard to get in touch with him. He could use his iPhone but the bill would be outrageous when he got back, so we rely on internet... which is shaky at best! He got Skype on his phone so if he had a wireless signal at the venue he'd call. For the first time in my memory he missed me more than I missed him... I know that sounds horrible but after spending nearly a month alone another 10 or so days was nothing. For him he just wanted to be home and the little mini vaca in between at home teased him.

There's been talk of me going with them to the UK in May but I'm on the fence. The rest of the band (all unattached... 2 fellas and a lady) actually suggested it. They tell me they'd like me to come because he gets progressively more miserable every tour (especially the longer they get) unless he just got off the phone with me. I get along with everyone alright and I think it would be fun but... well... I don't know if it is really my place or not. I would be doing merch for them so serving a purpose expenses would be mostly covered. Something to think about I suppose.

It's getting very cold in this part of Canada and I'm very glad to announce that my man just found out he may be here to warm my toes until MARCH!! The guitar player in his band got asked to tour with a fairly popular Canadian band and will be off in the US, UK and across Canada for Feb & March keeping my man at home! Colin's pretty excited about it because it means he has a few solid months to get to work writing some new songs and getting to work on a new album. I love sitting on the sofa listening to him work away on new tracks on his computer... AT HOME!

I'm constantly checking in on yas and thinking about all the boys out there on the road! I'm going to spend a couple months enjoying my manned up place... I'll let you girls know when the beard clippings, music writing and left up toilet seat get to be too much!

XO

a bit random

i've been trying to write my first blog for a few months and keep getting distracted.  forgive me, but here are some of my thoughts.  b has been gone for 17 days today and has 4 more weeks to go.  he left on my birthday at 7am.  to his credit, it was the first time in 6 years that he has missed my birthday, but it still made me a bit sad and resentful.  i love my manpower and i can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.  that being said, i really don't mind when he's on tour, and given the unpredictable nature of touring, i am thankful that he is working.  i have 104 days until we leave for NZ and 112 days until we get married.  depending on who you ask, it could either be the best time or the worst time for him to be gone.  i have so much stuff to get done and with him being gone, i am freaking out that i am going to become some bridezilla that swats planes from the sky and stomps children into the ground.  and while i should be worrying about stuff like wedding photographers and linen, i have been indulging on my secret single girly behavior.  i can sit in the sink in the bathroom and stare at my pores or search for new gray hairs, i can watch girly movies and tv shows, i can do jillian michaels workout tapes and curse like a sailor about how much i hate her, i try on my fancy shoes and practice walking in them (here's hoping for no trips down the aisle), i facebook and gossip, i read celebrity trashy rags and i eat non-vegan meals.  as fun as that all sounds, i miss b and his h20 glasses and coffee cups being scattered in every room, the dirty laundry being piled on the night stand or hidden under his pillow, the wet towels in the laundry basket, the beard trimmings in the sink and the empty toilet paper roll.  so until he gets home and man's up our place again, i'll have to find ways to occupy my time.  and this is the challenging life of a tour widow in my eyes. 

xoxo

and then...

and then there are the days when all i can think is "i wish you were leaving again".

getting used to the whole him-being-home-for-good thing is kind of stressing me out. dealing with the reality of the problems we face now that his "job" is over is more than i can deal with right now. i want the easy part back. i want to not worry about how we'll pay the mortgage. i want my bed back.

xxo, phoebe marie

Taking a little mini-vacation

Things haven't been going too well with the job. It sucks when I have to argue about my hours with my boss every week! So, since I have been super stressed out Nick decided to fly me down to New Orleans for two days. They are in town just for days off, not shows which is awesome because then we get more time together! I have never been to New Orleans so I am really excited to go. Hopefully when I get back I can find a new job.

Nick will be home November 22 until sometime next year. So, the getting used to being around each other all the time starts all over again! The goal for the next couple of months is to find a house and get out of here.

the final homeward bound!

at 9:45 tonight MY time, which is 10:45am tomorrow tokyo time, ryan will be on his way home to me. he won't actually arrive in cleveland until 1:15pm tomorrow local time. (ugh to long-ass flights!) but still... he's on his way home! and i think that, save for a single one-off dealie in l.a. next month, the touring is OVER!!!

every year, when he gets home from a tour, he swears he is never going on tour again. and then every year, he goes. this might be the first time that i honestly believe him, though, when he says he's done. it actually kind of makes me sad. i love the band, i love the crew, i love the other wives and girlfriends. i know that we'll all keep in touch, but still... makes me a little sad.

and then i think about what it might be like to actually have him HOME for more than a few months at a time and i get pretty happy. who knows what will happen...

what i do know is that we're going to really be getting the studio together when he gets back. he's got a lot of good stuff booked in there already and i'm going to be helping however i can to deal with coordinating, detailing, booking, promoting, etc. (so, you know, if any of my fellow widows want to point their fella's band toward the best [or rather ONLY skilled] recording engineer in cleveland... feel free!)

we're going to work on the house, too. there's major painting, minor repairs, and serious renovations on the horizon. i'm pretty excited about it all!

but mostly, i'm just excited that he is coming HOME. that in... 27.5 hours, we'll be holding hands by baggage claim talking about where to go for lunch. wow.