The Tour Widows

good luck, casey! (i think that was your name)

2010-04-04T05:56:00.000-07:00

well, it has been a WHILE. ryan's been home from tour for more than half a year now. it's weird. he always claims he's never going back on the road. i don't believe it, but so far, he hasn't.
this morning he DID leave for a week in l.a., though. he's beginning the recording of a record that i'm actually pretty excited about. he's done a few of these short trips since the touring ended and they're never quite as bad as the actual touring thing, obviously.
but honestly... i'd be lying if i said there was not a part of me that looked forward to him leaving sometimes.

this brings me to the ACTUAL point of this entry. because it honestly has very little to do with ryan or with my own status as a tour widow (or former tour widow). it has to do with this guy i met on friday night. i'm bad with names, but i want to say his was casey. he was touring with someone who was playing with tim barry, and he was a really nice guy.
he started to tell steve and i about this girl... the girl back home. the girl who told him it was over... that the "ship had sailed", because she couldn't stand the touring. he was adamant that she was the girl and that he was going to get her back. and i loved it. and it made me sad, too.
it does take a specific kind of girl to live the life of a tour widow, i think. and some girls are just not up for it.
the first leg of the first tour ryan went on when we first lived together... i did not think i was going to be one of those girls who could handle it. i hated being alone. i cried and cried. i missed him terribly. i hated being forced to do stuff on my own.
and then something amazing happened. it started with my friend, traci, telling me to stop fucking bitching. i believe she said something along the lines of "he's not dead. he didn't go off to war. he's in a million dollar bus 900 miles away. you're going to see him again. so god... shut the hell up." i'm paraphrasing, of course, but that was the gist of it. and do you know what happened when she told me that? i was FURIOUS, that's what. i was even MORE hurt by her downplaying the pain i felt at being left alone. because it really is hard. but slowly, over the nine months that he spent mostly gone... i realized something awful. she was completely right.
it took me a while, but i started to focus on the fact that ran and i DID have this incredible relationship and this incredible connection. and having that meant that there was nothing to worry about. yes, it was hard. but i wasn't going to fucking die. i was stronger than that. and more importantly, WE were stronger than that. somehow, that realization made ME stronger, too. i was alone, but i was ok. and in a couple months, i'd not be alone anymore. and even if i was only not alone for a week, it would be a great week. because we'd be together. and then he'd leave again. and i'd cry, driving home from the airport. but slowly, the tears stopped coming on that drive home. (a drive that, incidentally, i still go out of my way to make EVERY time ryan leaves. something about that is very important to me and even when i've had to leave work or get up at 6am on a weekend or whatever, i have ALWAYS been the one to take him to the airport when he leaves for work. and i always will.) i remember the firs time i dropped him off at the airport and i DIDN'T cry. i was so amazed that i called my best friend and told her. we were both very proud of me.
anyhow, i'm getting off track here.
my point, i this whole thing was this...
starting this blog, even though most of us barely used it, helped me somehow to accept my identity as a tour widow. knowing that i was never ACTUALLY alone - it helped. and even though kristen and michelle and laura and whitney and all the other widows weren't actually here in my house with me, they were out there in the world, feeling the way that i felt - incredibly in love, and occasionally lonesome. and it helped. reading the stories they shared helped. getting a tiny glimpse at the the love they all share helped. and i continue to hope that, even if we don't all post that often, that this will continue to be helpful in some ways to other women (or men) out there who need it.
i hope that that young man i met in the beachland ballroom parking lot... i hope his ship has NOT sailed. and that the girl he spoke about with such determination and adoration - i hope she does take him back. i hope she can find that she, too, has what it takes to be a tour widow. and that he's worth it.

good luck, casey. (god, i really hope that was your name - otherwise, i am looking like SUCH the dickhead right now.)

xxo, phoebe marie

a REAL url

2010-02-15T15:38:00.001-08:00

hi loves!
so, even though i have not been posting much (since mine's been home all winter), i still think about this blog a lot and how much i love it. so i decided yesterday to buy it a gift. it now has it's own REAL url:

www.thetourwidows.com

in case you all want to give anyone an easier address to get to.

that's all i got right now.
xxo, phoebe marie

warm toes for the winter months!!

2009-12-11T20:00:00.000-08:00

It's been far too long since I've made a contribution! My boy has been home for sometime now but we've been crazy busy preparing for the holidays, etc.

I (somehow) survived Colin being gone for almost all of October. I read the posts about the boys being away for months and it helps get through the weeks knowing it could get much worse. After the October tour he was home for a brief week working a local music festival every night then off again to the UK for a week and a half.

Overseas trips are THE worst! It's so hard to get in touch with him. He could use his iPhone but the bill would be outrageous when he got back, so we rely on internet... which is shaky at best! He got Skype on his phone so if he had a wireless signal at the venue he'd call. For the first time in my memory he missed me more than I missed him... I know that sounds horrible but after spending nearly a month alone another 10 or so days was nothing. For him he just wanted to be home and the little mini vaca in between at home teased him.

There's been talk of me going with them to the UK in May but I'm on the fence. The rest of the band (all unattached... 2 fellas and a lady) actually suggested it. They tell me they'd like me to come because he gets progressively more miserable every tour (especially the longer they get) unless he just got off the phone with me. I get along with everyone alright and I think it would be fun but... well... I don't know if it is really my place or not. I would be doing merch for them so serving a purpose expenses would be mostly covered. Something to think about I suppose.

It's getting very cold in this part of Canada and I'm very glad to announce that my man just found out he may be here to warm my toes until MARCH!! The guitar player in his band got asked to tour with a fairly popular Canadian band and will be off in the US, UK and across Canada for Feb & March keeping my man at home! Colin's pretty excited about it because it means he has a few solid months to get to work writing some new songs and getting to work on a new album. I love sitting on the sofa listening to him work away on new tracks on his computer... AT HOME!

I'm constantly checking in on yas and thinking about all the boys out there on the road! I'm going to spend a couple months enjoying my manned up place... I'll let you girls know when the beard clippings, music writing and left up toilet seat get to be too much!

XO

a bit random

2009-11-15T15:52:00.000-08:00

i've been trying to write my first blog for a few months and keep getting distracted. forgive me, but here are some of my thoughts. b has been gone for 17 days today and has 4 more weeks to go. he left on my birthday at 7am. to his credit, it was the first time in 6 years that he has missed my birthday, but it still made me a bit sad and resentful. i love my manpower and i can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. that being said, i really don't mind when he's on tour, and given the unpredictable nature of touring, i am thankful that he is working. i have 104 days until we leave for NZ and 112 days until we get married. depending on who you ask, it could either be the best time or the worst time for him to be gone. i have so much stuff to get done and with him being gone, i am freaking out that i am going to become some bridezilla that swats planes from the sky and stomps children into the ground. and while i should be worrying about stuff like wedding photographers and linen, i have been indulging on my secret single girly behavior. i can sit in the sink in the bathroom and stare at my pores or search for new gray hairs, i can watch girly movies and tv shows, i can do jillian michaels workout tapes and curse like a sailor about how much i hate her, i try on my fancy shoes and practice walking in them (here's hoping for no trips down the aisle), i facebook and gossip, i read celebrity trashy rags and i eat non-vegan meals. as fun as that all sounds, i miss b and his h20 glasses and coffee cups being scattered in every room, the dirty laundry being piled on the night stand or hidden under his pillow, the wet towels in the laundry basket, the beard trimmings in the sink and the empty toilet paper roll. so until he gets home and man's up our place again, i'll have to find ways to occupy my time. and this is the challenging life of a tour widow in my eyes.

xoxo

and then...

2009-11-10T20:57:00.000-08:00

and then there are the days when all i can think is "i wish you were leaving again".

getting used to the whole him-being-home-for-good thing is kind of stressing me out. dealing with the reality of the problems we face now that his "job" is over is more than i can deal with right now. i want the easy part back. i want to not worry about how we'll pay the mortgage. i want my bed back.

xxo, phoebe marie

Taking a little mini-vacation

2009-10-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

Things haven't been going too well with the job. It sucks when I have to argue about my hours with my boss every week! So, since I have been super stressed out Nick decided to fly me down to New Orleans for two days. They are in town just for days off, not shows which is awesome because then we get more time together! I have never been to New Orleans so I am really excited to go. Hopefully when I get back I can find a new job.

Nick will be home November 22 until sometime next year. So, the getting used to being around each other all the time starts all over again! The goal for the next couple of months is to find a house and get out of here.

the final homeward bound!

2009-10-14T06:40:00.000-07:00

at 9:45 tonight MY time, which is 10:45am tomorrow tokyo time, ryan will be on his way home to me. he won't actually arrive in cleveland until 1:15pm tomorrow local time. (ugh to long-ass flights!) but still... he's on his way home! and i think that, save for a single one-off dealie in l.a. next month, the touring is OVER!!!

every year, when he gets home from a tour, he swears he is never going on tour again. and then every year, he goes. this might be the first time that i honestly believe him, though, when he says he's done. it actually kind of makes me sad. i love the band, i love the crew, i love the other wives and girlfriends. i know that we'll all keep in touch, but still... makes me a little sad.

and then i think about what it might be like to actually have him HOME for more than a few months at a time and i get pretty happy. who knows what will happen...

what i do know is that we're going to really be getting the studio together when he gets back. he's got a lot of good stuff booked in there already and i'm going to be helping however i can to deal with coordinating, detailing, booking, promoting, etc. (so, you know, if any of my fellow widows want to point their fella's band toward the best [or rather ONLY skilled] recording engineer in cleveland... feel free!)

we're going to work on the house, too. there's major painting, minor repairs, and serious renovations on the horizon. i'm pretty excited about it all!

but mostly, i'm just excited that he is coming HOME. that in... 27.5 hours, we'll be holding hands by baggage claim talking about where to go for lunch. wow.

Allow me to introduce myself....

2009-10-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

So I'm the new girl in town it seems. I was bored and decided to google "tour widow" and this site came up! I am so glad to be a part of it now! Anyway, I'm Emili. I'm 23 and I live outside of Columbus, OH. I've been married to Nick for almost 8 months but we have been together for over 5 years and known each other for almost 8. He has toured the entire time we have been together so I am used to it and totally knew what I was getting myself into.

I used to tour myself so I know what goes on on tours and all of the craziness. But, now I am stuck at home with a dead end job that I keep to pay my bills until I find something else. For now, we live with my Dad (or better yet, my dad lives with us) and we are saving up and paying off debts to buy a house sometime in the near future. So I am sure a lot of my complaining on here will be about my Dad being a moron.

I have been having a really hard time with Nick being gone since I graduated from college and I am home more with less to keep me occupied. It just seems like everyone is paired off and I hate being the third wheel anywhere.

I also hate explaining to people what Nick does for a living and getting "Oh! I bet that's so cool! Do you ever go with him?" Umm no, I am 5'8" and he's 6'4" and have you ever seen how tiny those bunks are? Yeah. No. People just don't understand that! It's not like visiting your husband at the office! I do take time off work to visit him if he's within a 5 hour driving radius or has a day off in a city near me. It's nice to be able to spend time in a different city with him.

And the whole being married thing is really hard when people are like "So how's married life?" Hmmm wouldn't know, he's never home and things haven't changed at all! It's like people make a big deal about people being married and starting their "new life together" but it's like we are still living separate lives.

But it's my life and I wouldn't change it for anything. I like having Nick home but I also like my independence and not feeling like a stepford wife. If I want to eat cereal and queso (not together) for dinner I can! I do tend to become a recluse when Nick is gone just because I feel like so much of myself is him and we feed off each other that I don't feel whole when he is gone.

Okay enough whining for now. I actually have to work in the morning......

always when you're gone...

2009-10-08T19:03:00.000-07:00

my oranda died today. he, ralphie, was the third goldfish i have owned who has died. bert was the first fish i lost. he died while ryan was on tour. speck was second. he got sick while ryan was on tour. when he got home, he tried to save speck, but it was too late and he also died. ryan got me ralphie for christmas last year after i'd lost the others. he didn't even make it a year. i feel terrible. all i have left is sambo - my black moor goldfish. and then the various little fish of ryan's that he put in my tank. it breaks my heart, these fish dying. which i know is silly. and which i know normal people don't care about. but these are MY pets. and i loved them. and it just tortures me that they have all gotten sick and/or died while ryan's been away. (not to mention the 10 or so "fancier" fish of ryan's who have died while he's been away...) i just can't take it. so sad...
ralphie: r.i.p. 10.08.09

speck: r.i.p. 12.29.08

bert: r.i.p. 11.11.08

screw you, japan!

2009-10-03T19:31:00.000-07:00

i hate it when ryan goes to japan. phone calls are out of the question, so we rely solely on the computer for communication. but it seems that every other hotel he's at has no free internet, and to pay for it is brutally expensive. factor in the brutally annoying time difference (it's 13 hours ahead there), jet-lag, my own work schedule, and we don't really have a huge amount of intersecting time at our computers to talk to one another.
this trip has been BETTER than the last few, but still not awesome by any means. the best part is that i finally went and bought one of those little cameras for the computer, so that we could use the video chat in gmail. it's cool, but the sound feeds back terribly, so we don't really talk on it, just type and look at one another looking awkward. ryan will sometimes pick up his laptop and point the camera out the hotel window or across the room or wherever he is so i can see things like dan watching tv, buildings in fukuoka, lars incognito, matt waving, and even the hotel hallway where he was sitting one day stealing the free internet signal from inside someone else's room.
anyhow, i'm definitely grateful for the increased amount of talk-time we've had on this trip, but i still miss him.
i guess in general, i'm so used to having him gone that sleeping alone, eating alone, going out alone... none of these things are really difficult anymore. it's just the little things that i miss. hugs when i need them. smartass commentary on anything and everything. even the quirky things that make me crazy when he is here, i kinda miss when he's not. i dunno. it's just hard in a way that's hard to describe.
i just wish he was home already. and it hasn't even been a week...

Hello October! Hello Tour Season!

2009-10-01T23:47:00.000-07:00

It is so quiet here my ears are ringing. Throw in a load of laundry. Open iTunes. Not so quiet but still pretty lonely.

Colin left for his highly anticipated cross Canada Tour. I’m not sure if everyone is familiar with just how BIG Canada is and just how little there is in-between cities but it is painful really. I’ve only made it half way myself so I am ever impressed with the number of times he’s be there and back again.

I’m fairly new to this “Tour Widow” life (just under a year in) but I’m certainly starting to get the hang of it. He’s gonna leave. I have to deal with it. No choices. On our first date he laid it out plain and simple: “I’m in a band. We tour. A lot. I’m single because girls don’t get that.” And that’s the way it has been.

Every time he goes it does get easier. I’m beginning to realize this is the perfect time for me to get back to me! There is no one asking me “What should we do for dinner?” “Are my new jeans & plain black T-shirt clean?” “When was the last time the dog was out?”… I get to contemplate all these things in my own time in my own way. At the same time: I still break down for the first couple days when I go to make supper and he’s not there to cut the onions (not just from the eye sting they cause!) or when I got into his studio looking for my iPod cord.

My saving grace would have to be my fellow Tour Widows (local and otherwise). My girl Leah called me tonight and insisted I go out with her for a drink after she got off work. Exactly what I needed. Her man is also touring across our vast country and so she knows just what this is like yet we don’t have to talk about it too much.

I love my man and as much as I can complain about what he does and how often he’s away from home I never cease to be proud of him. It’s not often that someone follows his or her dreams and I can only hope his ambition and drive rub off on me a little bit.

i want your life.

2009-09-09T13:57:00.000-07:00

i am, without question, BRUTALLY jealous of ryan's life. and not just when he's on the road, either, although that part is one that i definitely envy. i hate being stuck in one place. i hate never getting to really go anywhere. i love hotels. i love roadside scenery and rest areas.
but more than any jealousy i have of the touring life, i envy his life when he's home. because he really can, and generally does, WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS all day, every day. me? i get up. i vie with our roommate for bathroom time. i throw on crappy clothes. and i go to a job that alternately bores me to tears and stresses me out. i spend the day trying to solve problems created by other people who don't give enough of a fuck to not cause problems on a daily basis. i attempt to be as nice and sunny as possible to people who sometimes seem to go out of their way to be openly shitty and mean. i get so worked up and upset that i end up feeling harassed, instead of loved, when i get messages from my friends, whom i LOVE to death - just because the place that i work makes me want to crawl into a hole and be left alone by everyone. and i hate that. i hate that by the time i get home, i don't even WANT to do anything - that i've basically lost all desire to accomplish things i used to care about. i have stopped making art. i took my etsy shop down because i can't deal with having to fill orders. i want to cry when i get asked simple things like "what do you want for dinner?"
this morning, ryan took me to breakfast. as we were getting back to the house so that i could head to work, i grumbled about how i didn't want to go. he said "you don't have to." and i asked him if he wanted to pay for EVERYTHING. he quipped that he basically does. this made me feel like ABSOLUTE GARBAGE... i work my ASS off at a job that i hate for cut hours and cut pay, i try to do nice things with what little money i DO have left after paying off my bills each month (like buy better groceries to make better dinners, get things like new sheets, books, underpants...) and STILL - every time i spend a dime, i feel guilty, like i should be giving it to him. my mother told me once that sometimes you just HAVE to buy yourself little things, or you'll go insane. and she's GREAT with money, so i trust her judgment on any financial matter. but i know i'm bad at finances. i wouldn't be struggling to pay off 10 year old debt if i was good at it.
i just wish that i could somehow make a go of things by making things. i wish i could get my etsy store to be more functional. i wish i had the time to spend to do that. i wish i had the time to sit and really learn photoshop and all that junk - because i know that i WOULD be good at it. but as things are right now, i feel so drained, so sucked dry of any motivation by the time i get home at the end of the day, that i will never manage to make any of that happen.
and i hate him for being able to just make money dicking around, fixing shit for people, popping into the scooter shop a day or two a week, whenever he feels like it, and just for having the time to randomly decide, out of nowhere, that he's going to pull the motor out of the charger and rebuild it, while also working on building 4 computers, fixing 6 amps, recording various records, fiddling with stuff on both our daily driver cars, painting parts of the house, etc etc etc.
he doesn't get why i am so upset. he's never had to deal with having a job like this. a so-called "real" job. and i don't begrudge him the life that he has at all. i am simply jealous of it and honestly feel that he doesn't understand what it's like for me to NOT have that life and to have to watch him have it. it makes what i do even harder, the jealousy. i struggle, and it feels like i'm struggling for NOTHING. and after what he said this morning, i just feel... useless.
i don't know what to do.
i thought today that, maybe, i could sort out my work schedule to only work 4 days a week. like see if i can be off on wednesdays, too, or something. like maybe if i had that ONE DAY, and i always knew it was there for me, i might be able to start getting the shit i want to do back on track. i'd have to be disciplined about the days i DID work. and ryan would have to understand that he couldn't be all "let's go to breakfast" and telling me it doesn't matter if/when i go in. but i wonder... i really wonder... would it work? would it help? would it make me resent his life just a little bit less? how much difference DOES a day make?

free stuff!!!

2009-08-09T16:48:00.000-07:00

i know this is not about tour widow life, but i just want to make sure as many people know as possible...

ryan and i are trying to move. and in doing so, we're getting rid of STUFF!

before we haul it all to goodwill, we're giving our friends the chance to take said stuff off our hands first.

i am posting the stuff on a new blog i created, twenty at a time. all you have to do if you want one of the things, is leave a comment and arrange to come get it. so far there are 100 things on there.

curious? go check it out!!

http://twentyatatime.blogspot.com

check back often. more will go up every day that i have time to list it!

a birthday visit...

2009-07-16T17:34:00.001-07:00

my birthday is coming up. i'm almost always alone on my birthday, because ryan's always on tour in the summer.

this year, i'm trying to go to philly and nyc for the weekend to see him, catch up with some other tour widows, and just enjoy a road trip with my friend, lisa.

but because i do not want to ask ryan for financial help, and my job has cut my hours and my pay back quite a bit... well, it's gonna be tight!

so today, i decided to mark down EVERYTHING in my etsy shop. all of my necklaces. all of my collages. everything. it's all 20% to 75% off! the sale will go through the day before i leave (friday, july 24th at 11:59pm to be exact).

i'm so desperate, i'm basically posting an AD on my blogs. i feel kinda lame about that, but i need the help cause i need the trip! i'll even go so far as to say that if you see something you dig on there, and you still can't afford the sale price, send me a message. i'll drop the price for you more, if i can, and reserve the listing for you!

i just want to have a nice birthday. i want to get out of town. i want to do it on my own and this was the best way i could figure out to do it...

so, if you want to, if you can, if you see anything you like... i'll be oh so grateful!

http://phoebemarie.etsy.com

thanks and love love love to you,
phoebe marie

last one for a while...

2009-07-05T07:47:00.000-07:00

just dropped ryan off at the airport about an hour and a half ago. he's back in just under a month, and it'll be the LAST tour for at least a while (though there is some talk about japan in the fall, i guess, but that's never nearly as long as the domestic shit!). every time ryan is packing up to head to the airport, he mutters "i hate touring. why do i do this?" i always assure him that he's always fine once he gets out on the road and gets settled back into the routine. and it's usually true. i think that it's just hard for him now because we've got so much going on here now, with trying to get the house fixed up and up for sale... i know he just wants to be home.
i miss him already and it's making me sick. but my good friend is working brunch at the happy dog, so i'm heading there to try to pick my sad head up off the ground. if i don't get out of the house NOW i will sit here all day just sniveling and reading facebook updates from people who are actually doing things.

Love the sound of his guitar!

2009-06-26T14:22:00.000-07:00

I love guitar hero's sound!

he sure knows how to play a guitar.

Check him out in the video... Isn't he a cutie?

***i popped in here to fix the size of this video. it was too wide and was covering up the sidebar. should be good now. xxo, phoebe marie

happy anniversary take 2

2009-06-16T15:15:00.000-07:00

oops - i didn't mean to publish that just yet!

today is our anniversary. 8 years - but we've actually been together for 17. that seems like an awful long time because although we've fallen into some habits and routines, overall there's always something new. i often tell people we've been together that long because he's traveled so much! i don't remember him being home for many of our anniversaries - we had to make sure he didn't have any tours planned so we could get married in the first place! we did however, go on tour 3 days after our wedding...whatever. i don't mind. i'm not the wine and dine type of gal or much for celebrating these types of things (e.g. birthdays - but he does get home the day before mine).

okay - i don't really know where i'm going with this or if i have a point. the whole funeral/anniversary/tim on tour just got me thinking how much i love that boy.

happy anniversary

2009-06-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

yesterday i was at a funeral for tim's aunt who was diagnosed with and passed away from cancer in 4 short weeks. tim wasn't able to fly home to be there and of course, was missed by the family. my heart ached for our uncle who throughout the day looked lost, despondent, and shocked. i tried to really think about what thoughts were going through his head and how he was feeling and couldn't help but think what life would be like without MY best friend and husband. after recounting the day to tim later that evening he must have been thinking the same thing overnight and wrote a simple email wondering the same thing about me. it sounds cliche but you just really need to make the most out of every minute you have with someone you love - even when they aren't close.

::smile::

2009-06-16T05:28:00.000-07:00

so, i won't lie. the last several days have been great. flying to st. louis to see my best friend and then catch up with ryan on tour was awesome. (i have been to st. louis to meet him on every tour he's done since we got together.) getting to see my guy up on stage, playing with the band that i love, in front of thousands of people... i felt so silly and proud. riding home on the tour bus was odd. after having been asked every visit i've made for the last several years if i'm riding along to the next stop, i finally got to say yes. and it was bizarre. i slept OK - no worse than i do at home in a real bed.
getting home to cleveland and them having a day off here was the best, though. it was our friend's 40th birthday and there was a huge BBQ planned in ours and our neighbor's joint back yard. (30 pounds of smoked pulled pork... mercy!) most of the band and crew came out, which meant a lot to me (and i know it meant a LOT to ryan, too, whether he'd ever say so or not). having them all here to see our beautiful home, ryan's awesome studio, his '71 challenger, and even my art room... it was rad.
and then last night's show here in cleveland was just fantastic! seeing ryan up on stage in his hometown with a GOOD band (well, the boys from county hell are good, but you know what i mean...) was awesome. again - so proud! and then, 2nd song of the night, L.F. dedicated to ryan. and at the end of the set, as he promised me he would, shot ryan another dedication: "...to jesus foltz, who is our favorite foltz..." (i was bummed that i didn't get THAT on tape.)
saying goodbye last night sucked, though. two and a half days with ryan is like a tease. BUT! we're working on getting them to change their day off that is scheduled in michigan next week to cleveland. i'd be so happy! everyone sounded into it, so i hope it works out. if not i'll probably still figure out how to get ryan back here for the day, at least - so really, it's just one more week til i see him again and then another week after that til he's home for almost a week off! that makes me happy.

and a note to all my other ladies at home during this tour - every single one of your men is awesome. i could not adore a group of people more. i am proud and feel genuinely lucky to be a part of this crew. i'd do anything for any one of them and any one of you.

the look

2009-06-13T15:32:00.000-07:00

i got "the look" today. no, i didn't download the classic roxette song (although now it's running thru my head and probably yours). this is the look i get when i tell people (who are not wholly familiar with my life) that he's on tour. you know the one - the sadsack eyebrows, the head tilt, the pouty bottom lip as if to say "oh, i'm so sorry however will you cope?". ugh. then i have to try and make THEM feel better by saying "oh really i'm fine...it's okay, i'm used to it...it's not so bad, etc". seriously, it's just tour. for a few weeks. save your 'sympathy' for someone who's husband is fighting a war in a god-forsaken desert for months at a time while you're trying to raise a family, worried that at any given moment he may die. i've been living like this for at least 15 years but for a split second every time i have this type of exchange i think "well maybe i should miss him more than i do, what's wrong with me?". oh wait, i know - nothing. i have to live my life. i can't mope around the house pining away because i got shit to do.

it's always something

2009-06-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

so yesterday, before i left for st. louis, i got a call from the man. who had managed to leave his phone charger at the tonight show.
which will, naturally, make meeting up in st. louis a little bit more difficult than necessary.
seriously?
it's always something with him. nothing is ever easy...

a visit!

2009-06-11T09:14:00.000-07:00

so, i leave today for st. louis. i had originally wanted to fly to DENVER today, to meet up with ryan at red rocks (my favorite venue on earth [and i'm TOTALLY jealous of spike!]), then join the guys to head to both the kansas city and st. louis shows to see friends and spend time with ryan... but i just couldn't afford it. i COULD, however, afford the $50 ticket to st. louis and the free ride home to cleveland on the tour bus.
so, i'm heading to st. louis today instead of denver. which is cool. my best friend, daniela, lives in st. louis. i'll get to spend a couple days with her, which i don't get to do nearly enough. and THEN, i'll get to go to the cupcakery (the single BEST cupcake bakery i have EVER been to... and i've been to a LOT of them!) and bring cupcakes to the guys on saturday. because i AM the cupcake crew - midwest chapter!!
i left work super early today. now i need to do laundry and shower and pack and stuff. i'm excited. 2 days with my best friend and 2 and a half with my guy.
*smile smile smile*

our song

2009-06-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

so i'm not just a cold hearted bitch after all....
today on the way to the ferry i heard peter gabriel's in your eyes on the satellite radio and then on the way home, almost at the exact same place, i heard it again. it was the perfect beginning and ending to my day. that's sort of "our song". it's such a great song i can't imagine we're the only ones who claim it as ours. but i was reminded that tim's wedding band is inscribed with "in your eyes i am complete" (mine is a short lived "our song" = gameface's you are my star and that's what mine says). truthfully there are a gazillion songs that remind us of each other; one of which is madonna's crazy for you. that's sort of accidentally our song, or at least i'm claiming it as such. tim hates that it is but it's his fault. one day, in the early years as i like to say, he grabbed me and started to dance with me in the apartment. jokingly he started singing that song and has done that on occasion ever since. so, needless to say when i hear that cheesy song i can't help but smile. and at some point in my boyfriendless pre-teen years i probably wished that someone would seriously sing that song to me. i'm sure i thought about my crush at that time whilst i sadly sang away... at that time it could've been richie seagreaves or matt himes depending on the time of year. or, i was standing by myself at a junior high school dance wishing someone would ask me to dance to that song. thankfully many years later somebody did.

git r' done

2009-06-08T17:00:00.002-07:00

well heck yeah i get stuff done while he's away! tour is project time - time to clean, paint, and reorganize without someone on my heels asking me what i'm doing and why. he's got so much crap that's outta sight outta mind which equals "outta HERE" as soon as he leaves! part of my charming characteristics is that i am a "thrower-outer" , a clean freak, and i can organzie the hell out of anything. he's the opposite - he is what they call (shudder), a pack rat. i follow the rule of if you haven't worn it, looked at it, or used it in a year (i'll even go so far as two years)...out it goes.

so...that pile of papers crumpled up on your dresser? tacked to the bulletin board in an organized fashion or in your file thingy that you never look at. that pile of surf magazines from two/three years ago which you claim you look at but never do? gone. the cluttered office that houses your toy collection, our vinyl collection, and miscellaneous baubles? things are up in the attic now mister.

yes, i've gotten in trouble for throwing something out over the years but, it blows over and we move on. i used to think i was getting away with a lot more thinking "he'll never notice this is missing" but that's backfired on me a couple times as well! oops. so, now i'm just more careful. that or he's just gotten craftier at hiding things.

he's come home to a freshly painted room, the carpet ripped up, and rooms rearranged to name a few. he just rolls his eyes and sighs. and the thing is i never wait. we're talking the night of or next day after he's gone i'm already rearranging his dresser and pulling out the painters tape.

i also do more on a personal level. i get up and ride my bike in the morning, i read more, i'm on the internet more (read: facebook), and work on stupid little kristin things.

things that i cannot do while he is here:

2009-06-07T17:39:00.000-07:00

clean the house. i mean, REALLY clean the house. which is what i have been doing almost all weekend. when ryan is here, we both end up being sort of scattered. between all of our separate obligations, when we have time to spend together, we do. which means, often times, that i have to drop whatever i'm doing to go spend time with him. which is fine and i love to do, but it also means that i never really start things that i know will take hours and hours. (unless i know he is also working on something that will keep him busy all day.) so, while i constantly TIDY the house up, i rarely give it a thorough scrub-down.
so, starting yesterday morning, that is what i have been doing!
i started i the office, tackling our desks, hanging up my new pin-board, emptying two overflowing trash cans and installing a third in the room, just to help out. then i hit the bedroom, made the bed (but only til tomorrow's laundry is done, because i bought some yummy new sheets at target, which were not in my budget, but were so beautifully clearanced that i could not say no), put away ryan's laundry, cleaned up all my books and magazines, swept, vacuumed, and waved hello to the fish.
next i finished the basement. it was really mostly clean from when i forced ryan to work on it with me before he left, just needed a little more straightening. the live room part of the studio is still spit-spot, so that needed nothing, and he powered everything in the control room down before he left - including the LIGHTS - so i couldn't do anything in there. it was mostly just the workshop that needed finishing touches. and i gotta say that R2D2, the dehumidifier he bought me before he left, is really busting his little plastic ass down there. it feels worlds better!
i did a little bit in the dining room and kitchen, too, but wasn't ready to devote the time needed on those just yet.
then i came BACK up stairs and finished cleaning up my art room/closet AND the "library".
today, i finished the kitchen, which looks better than it ever has, i did the best that i could in the back hall/mud room area, and did everything but mop the floors in the dining room. i ever put furniture polish on the piano, which looks sooooo pretty!
basically, all i have left to do is mop the dining room and living room and CLEAN the rest of the living room (which isn't that messy to begin with - as soon as renae hangs up all her jackets and stuff, it'll basically be clean), finish cleaning out the small bedroom downstairs (which is also not much work at all), and clean the bathroom - which i think i'm leaving to renae, as she likes doing that sort of thing.
my back is killing my, as is my wrist and shoulder from scrubbing. AND my toe. which i dropped a pint glass on today. and it BROKE. the glass, not my toe. though honestly, it is SO swollen, it probably is broken.
but anyhow, i could have never gotten all of this stuff done in one weekend if ryan was home. and aside form all the cleaning i STILL managed to: go to an art opening at william rupnick gallery and hit the parkview for a beer and some french fries with pepper after, have steve and the kids over for pizza and hangin' out, AND drive out to my dad's for brunch. it was a very productive weekend. and i feel good that the little stuff i have left to do can be done after work this week and before i fly to st. louis to see daniela and meet up with ryan for the show there! i can't wait!

so, is it just me? or is there stuff you girls do while your men are away, too? stuff you just can't get done while they're home...

another lonely summer

2009-06-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

hi. my name is kristin and i am a tour widow.

i'm not gonna lie. i sometimes don't mind when tim goes on tour.
i'm quite the loner, i like my space, i like things neat and orderly, i like having the bed to myself, i like waking up and not having to be quiet, i like eating whenever and whatever i want (chips and salsa for dinner anyone?), i like not cleaning pee off the seat (or the floor), i like getting to watch really stupid things on tv, i like putting on the old school rap station on music choice and dancing in my living room, i like that the apartment doesn't have a faint poop smell, and i like not having to pick up hoodies in every room.

tour widows make it all even better

2009-06-05T14:22:00.000-07:00

so, ryan told me he got to play his mandolin part on 'civilian ways' in vancouver last night. what he left out was that it was in front of a sold out crowd of 8000 people. i learned that today from amy jean, who also sent me a photo:

so cute!!

it's not ALL bad.

2009-06-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

because i so thoroughly enjoyed a facebook comment i got yesterday from fellow tour widow, kristin, i decided to post a list today. of some things i LIKE about ryan being on tour:

1. there are not 37 used coffee cups on the kitchen counter at the end of every day.
2. the bed sheets and comforter remain right side up, on the bed, and generally undisturbed.
3. no snoring, farting, or pirate punching going on to keep me awake.
4. no speed network.
5. no trail of mail/packaging material/car parts/electronics all over the dining room table, kitchen table, kitchen counter, bed, dresser, chairs, etc...
6. no musician's friend, zzounds, guitar center, summit racing or mouser electronics catalogs piled on the sink next to the toilet.
7. i can watch stupid girl movies and no one rolls their eyes and stomps out of the room.
8. i can eat as little or as much as i want whenever i feel like eating.
9. renae and i can sit around and openly talk about him (and boys in general) without fear of getting busted.

i feel pretty good about the fact that i could only come up with nine things. i must really like having him around.

another YES!

2009-06-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

while i'm still waiting for her to accept the invitation, today i got a definite "YES" on being a Tour Widows blog contributor from the beautiful and charming michelle! michelle is in damn near the EXACT same boast as i am. our men (her fiance and my "not-husband") work for the same band and are one the same tour. we're also some of the only eastern u.s. wives/girlfriends, so we're limited to where and when we can get out to meet up with our boys. michelle is great and i'm really excited to have her join the blog.

and now, i'm off to bed... first night alone in it. it's always one of the worst. ::sigh::

bye bye...

2009-06-01T10:06:00.001-07:00

today is the day

2009-06-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

in just under two hours, i'll be driving ryan to the airport, where he's off to vancouver to start the tour. i'm trying to convince myself i'm at a point now where i'm used to a) spending my summers alone, b) trying to coordinate every spare dime into some sort of trip to meet him someplace, and c) just generally making-believe that i'm a total hardass and it doesn't get to me.

but it does. it's tough. some days tougher than others. at least this time i'm not on crutches as he's leaving (i have been the last two big tours).

i'm going to try to do positive, beautiful things every day while he's away. take my inspiration from color me katie throw the love that i feel for my missing man out there into the world for others to enjoy. and maybe that, in it's little way, will help ME feel better, too.

is that queer?

i dunno... i guess no more so than when i get sad and i huddle up in bed and listen to steve earle's "transcendental blues" on a loop for hours on end.

what i'm really hoping for is to get some of the other beautiful women i know in this boat involved in this project here and have something of an online "support group" to keep each other's chins up.

we'll see how it goes...

til then, bye bye boys. we'll miss you. me and all the other tour widows.

we love you.

sometimes

2009-05-19T19:26:00.000-07:00

sometimes he's so weird when he gets home that i feel more alone than i did while he was gone.

a little story

2009-05-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

so last weekend, ryan and i went to best buy looking for a birthday gift for his brother. we wandered around a while. and then as we made our way to the registers, he cut through the aisles of cds. he stopped at the end of one, looked around, rounded the corner, and walked partway up the nest aisle - aiming for the "D"s.

i knew what he was doing. he's done it before.

he picks up a copy of "sing loud, sing proud", turns it over, hold it up and says "just because it always cracks me up." i smile look at the back of the cd, look at him and say, "you're wearing the same shirt."

he's so fucking cute sometimes.

[i tried (not very hard) to find the picture from the cd online someplace. but i couldn't. and i refuse to scan it. it's cute. but it's not THAT cute. and i AM that lazy.]

CANCELLED!

2009-05-14T05:28:00.000-07:00

The saddest news for fans is the greatest news for girlfriends/wives. That's right Guitar Hero's show got cancelled today.... which means he will be flying home for a total of 11 hours before heading back on the road. I have been on the other side hating that a concert I was planing on going to got cancelled but now its like music to my ears. It sounds awful I know. I really, really do love what he does for living and I support him like crazy but its nice to have him home... and it's even nicer when it's a surprise to have him home. It has been over a week since I have seen him and when he leaves after these next 11 hours it will be another week before I see him again so you have to understand that this is great news to me. It would have been two week straights without actually getting to hug him and kiss him if this show hadn't been cancelled.. well not really because eventually I would have broke down and went on a road trip to see him but you get the idea. So, bring on the 11hrs of bliss!

accident prone, part two

2009-05-14T04:20:00.000-07:00

so ryan left for l.a. yesterday evening. but not before managing to one-up me on the self-inflicted wound front.
there i was, around noon yesterday, busily going about my work day (with my sweetly bruised finger, no less) when i get a text that says: "so, i just stabbed myself in the hand with a screwdriver". um, WHAT?!! we're not supposed to use our cell phones at work, so instead i nearly knocked over one of the salespeople trying to get to the only phone in my room at work to call him.
apparently, he was trying to adjust something in some sort of speaker cabinet he'd built the day before, his hand slipped, and he shoved a screwdriver, albeit a smaller one, almost entirely THROUGH the palm of his left hand. in that meaty bit by the thumb. nearly passed out from the pain/sight of copious amounts of blood. managed to make it next door to our friend joe's house. joe is an EMT. not exactly a doctor, but at least he helped ryan out with it. and i know ryan won't GO to the actual doctor. because we're not legally married, he isn't on my insurance. and obama hasn't mailed him any magic free health-care card yet. and working for punk rockers doesn't come with medical.
ugh.
so, by the time he landed in l.a. last night and called me, i guess his hand was really throbbing and swollen and sore. he promised me he'd go to the doc out there if it's worse when he gets up today. i hate not being there to take care of him. and i know he hates not being here to take care of me. (he was worried last night as we were saying goodnight, because our one housemate is in england this week and we just recently evicted the other and he didn't like the idea of me being here alone. - so cute.)

what bout you girls? is it more difficult for you when they're gone if you know something is wrong that you cannot be there to fix? or vice versa? and what's with the accident-prone-ness around tour-departure? are we the only ones this happens to? or are you all trying to obliterate yourselves, too?

OUCH!

2009-05-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

it seems that whenever ryan is about to leave for tour, i become accident prone. or more accident prone than usual. is this normal, ladies?
the first time he left after we got together... like a day before he left, i think, i sprained my knee REALLY BADLY at work. i ended up in physical therapy almost the entire time he was gone. then last summer, two days before he left, i fell out of my friend jim's t-bucket and tore my ACL (another knee injury). this time i spent months on crutches and in and out of doctors' offices. it was a disaster.
now he's leaving tomorrow (though only for a long weekend in l.a. - the tour starts officially in june) and today at work - i dropped a 10 pound weight on the index finger of my right (dominant) hand. it swelled up almost instantly to a point that i actually thought the lump must be bone and the finger must be horribly broken. after almost passing out and throwing up at the thought of that whole scenario, i made it to the break room and managed to get it into a bowl of ice. it did finally calm down somewhat and is definitely NOT broken, thank god! but there is a sweet-ass bruise developing (though you can't see it too well as it is behind a hot pink tattoo of the letter "E" that adorns that finger).
anyhow, my point is... what the hell?! why do i seem to try to obliterate myself whenever ryan is leaving for any length of time?

anyhow, like i said, it's only tomorrow thru sunday. rancid is playing at the k-rock weenie roast in l.a. and i assume there will just be some general hangin' out and visiting and stuff. OH! and while i'm thinking about rancid... they put up the first video from the new record today on myspace. and wheeeee! lars is playing the guitar that ryan put together and that i did the art for! (i hope that's not my artwork's only 15 minutes [or 2.5 minutes] of fame!)

"Last One To Die" video

Life with a guitar hero...

2009-05-07T07:47:00.000-07:00

Hello, my name is Whitney and for those of you who don't know me or my blog A "Cheery" Disposition I happen to be dating guitar player (aka a guitar hero).
I was asked the other day by Phoebe if I would like to be apart of this blog The Tour Widows and I couldn't be more excited about it.
It's so nice to meet women who go through what I am going through. So, here is a place where you can read the stories of how we make it through those long summer tours and make our love last with the amazing men!
It's not always easy being away from the one you love for long periods of time and it's definitely not easy being away from them when you know beautiful women are throwing themselves at your man every night. But then again I wouldn't have it any other way. He loves what he does and I support him no matter what because at the end of the tour he is still coming home to me.
So, stay tuned for more and I hope you enjoy our blog because I look forward to sharing my stories of life on the road as well as reading those stories of the other amazing women a part of this blog who stand behind there musician and try to make this kind of life work!

coming together

2009-05-05T13:57:00.001-07:00

well, it seems that my idea is being well received by the fabulous girls i've invited to be a part of it. i've had nothing but positive feedback on the idea, so i'm really pretty happy about that!
one of the women i had to ask was whitney, author of the blog A "cheery" disposition whom i stumbled upon somehow over the last few months. i look at her blog every day, and i love the sweet things she says about her boyfriend. her constant tributes to him while he's on the road played a big part in my wanting to do THIS blog, so i'm excited and grateful that she's on board.
welcome, whitney!!!

xxo, phoebe marie

just an idea...

2009-05-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

so, ryan's back on the road a month from today. i'm not entirely ready for it this time. some other stuff that's been going on lately is sort of making this whole idea harder for me this time than it was last year.
anyhow, i was thinking about the time he left to go on tour (for like seven months) a month after i moved in with him and how hard it was for me. i leaned a lot on my friend michelle, the queen of the tour widows (as far as i'll ever be concerned). i also tried to join a tour widow group on myspace, but it wasn't for me.
so anyhow, i kinda thought that maybe a blog that i could invite my other, fellow tour widows to contribute to whenever they felt the urge might be sort of cool. who knows if it'll work. who knows if anyone else will be interested. but i figured it was worth a shot, right?

ladies? yes? no?